It wasn't long before we resented her intrusion. A product of her strict religious upbringing she was nothing if not practical and efficient and she brought to bear these attributes in our environment. Physically capable of the huge challenge she undertook, the taking of responsibility for six children ranging in age from nine to three , we were soon required to adapt to her restrictive disciplinary ways. Those six children had only just lost their own mother and though some two years had passed, were still bereft.
Hindsight helps us understand that our new mother did not possess the skills required to comfort sad and unruly children. There was an overriding need for efficiency and obedience. Although terribly unhappy, we were living in a safe predictable environment where chaos was not tolerated.
Our young mother rose to her new role by assuring a meal on the table three times a day. Considering the size of the family and my father's small and sometimes non existent income, a small miracle was performed regularly.
Although we resented it at the time, we lived in a well maintained house, floors and surfaces were very clean, dishes were done at each meal, laundry was washed and hung to dry, ironed and put away. We each had a job to do and play was not an option until the job was done.
Despite our chores there was lots of time for play. And later after Lise the last baby was born, mom played with us. She could really slug a baseball and often hit balls out on the side-lawn for us to catch. None of my brothers could hit as good as her and I sure couldn't. Other days we would have a real neighborhood ball game. It was really thrilling to have her play with us as she was our adult too. My father rarely joined in.
Elisabeth was reliable, loyal and disciplined. She insisted that we develop these qualities. She was an excellent role model. No matter how she felt, she saw to it that we were clothed, sheltered and fed. Though my father was the breadwinner, my mother managed her meager budget like a banker. Because she could, we learned to cook and clean, to bake, to sew, to fix things to persevere. We learned to become independent and reliable and contributors to society
As the younger ones got older, she took on some community roles. She became the president of the PTA for the French children, and held that role for several years. The principal and the other teachers respected and admired her. She was an important member of our church choir, singing the soprano part. Sometimes she sang that part alone. She had a beautiful clear voice. I loved to sing but was admittedly somewhat tone deft. Even though she vehemently discouraged me from singing at home, I think she hoped that my singing in the choir would improve my skills. We went to the weekly practices together through many a cold winter night. (I was placed in the alto section, but I couldn't read the music so couldn't remember the melody or hold my part). These experiences were the shaping of me. I loved the choir loft at night and being with that mostly adult choir. She knew I had an artistic leaning and tried to nourish it, but there really was no money for lessons or training.
It's so hard to write objectively because she was my mother. I know that somewhere I always hung onto that niggling awareness that she wasn't my real mother and so it didn't matter if things were bad between us. I thought she would never understand me. I was moody and melodramatic. I loved show, she loved containment.
So now it's the time of reckoning. There is no running away from this. I thought all my life, if I didn't love her she couldn't hurt me. If I admired her from afar, she wouldn't have my vulnerable feelings in hand to contort and misinterpret. When all is said and done, forgive or not, her child or not, hurt or not, I love her, loved her and will always love her for the human she is, for the sacrifices she made, for the visions she had, for the sorrow she endured.
I am so fortunate to have had and to have her for my mother.
My children say that I am the best mom. I believe I owe so much of that to her.
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