After nearly 30 years I have reconnected with a long lost friend and fellow foreign student I went to art school with in France. She seems to have advanced her artistic passions, continuing to paint in the serious abstract style she was developing at that time. I see by her website that she is quite accomplished and represented by many galleries. She too has raised a family while pursuing her other creative side. But her artistic leaning seems to have dominated her career choices.

I have also been in touch with my therapist from many years ago. I cooked and cleaned and looked after her children during those years. I was good at that. Of course I was good at that.
This renewing of contact has made me reflect on choices I have made and regrets I sometimes feel as well as the harsh judgement I make of my successes and failures in the art domain.

I had an insight.

I grew up in a household where practicality was paramount. Each penny spent was carefully considered. There was no room for whimsy, for philosophical discussion. This included education. All learning was with earning potential in mind. My father was oblivious to artistic or academic advancement whereas my step-mother did her best to address the issues of education. Still, her overriding goal was to see that money could be earned with learned skills. 
She could see that I had artistic leanings and encouraged art classes paid for by myself, but with the goal of eventually becoming a cartoonist for the paper, not an unheard of ambition, but hardly likely as I never thought anything was that funny. On the contrary I took everything to heart.

I see now that for my whole life I have hesitated before choices of unabashed passion for what I want and the practical returns for such abandon. They  clash in my mind and I am paralyzed before my id and my ego. Is it worth it? Is it worth the risk? Will it pay off? Is it practical? Will it cost me the approval of my family, my mother, my sisters and brothers who were and are more methodical and practical in their outlook. Because safety in childhood rested with the practical, safe choices, I conceded or reverted to these. 

During my lifetime, I stepped outside the box for short periods, but conformity has usually outweighed the unknown. The constant tug of war continues. I hope this insight gives me some freedom from the yoke of mortal sin and waste which will undoubtedly ensue when I follow my dreams.

Mom you are not to blame!